End of the year.....Here's to a good 2012!!!!

You know people, one of the things that I hope will happen in 2012 is no matter what people's prejudice there is about me,my condition,my belief's is that I will make them heard and God willing,some people, if not all the people that I come in contact with.
To give an example, in 2012 (as was in 2011) I will be a supporter of Newt Gingrich,not because he is Roman Catholic,or pro-life is that he does bring fresh idea's that this country really needs,but most importantly he has admitted in the past,he not only sought reconciliation with those he hurt,but with God himself.....There is room for forgivness and for those that believe that he should not talk about "value's" and especially Christian's who call him a hypicrate,do not deserve to be called Christian or people of faith.
I believe that starting in 2012 that I will get more accomplished than I did in 2011, especially in trying to relate to people.by showing my emotional inteligence.  I pray that I will display that,if God wils me to go to Omaha.  The reason why I wish to return to Omaha,is because,when I left there we're a lot of people that I hurt,and I pray that I will get an oppertunity to heal the wounds that I inflicted, if it is God's will.
There is an ego part of me that not only do I wish to help people with my emotional inteligence that I wish into my world,but there is a part of me that want's to share it with the world.....I know it sounds grandiose,but when I get up in the morning,I watch MSNBC and see Morning Joe,I would like to express my opinion that I can give them,not only a piece of my mind,but a piece of my world.  I have no desire to be friends with millions of viewers,but to be friends with people that are far more educated than me and let a few million people eave's drop on our conversation.  To all the people that I have hurt in 2011,please accept my humblest apoligies,please pray for me and I pray that I will be given an oppertunity to heal the wounds that I have inflicted.  I pray Lord that I be a good example of someone with emotional intelligence that I can use it as a servent to you my Divine Master and whoever reads this in 2012, may it serve you well.

Calling from God (Or so I think!!!)

I think that old saying is true right now...God laughs,when men make plans....That is so true,but I do believe that God has allowed me to make plans for the future,so in case God doesn't want me to go to one place,there are options.
Some of the goals that I have when I moved to St. Joseph have come to fruition,like getting on disability,having housing,getting new teeth,etc.  I still have a ways to go,but I am getting there.  When I make plans for the future,mom said it best,that when you move,don't run away from something,run to something and that is so true,  There are so many options that now I have to ask God to give me patience.
God,I want to do your will,please guide and protect me.  Each day that goes by,I have to stop and wondered if I am supposed to return to Omaha,or go to a new experience like Pasadena California be near my brother Steve or go to Manhattan,Kansas and be near my Godparents.  August 29th is a day that I cannot forget,even though symptoms did not suffice until much later,I pray that God will lead me back to Omaha.  I say Omaha,cause my wife (Whom I seperated from) has said she would file for divorce,she has not,each day that goes by,leads me to believe that she does not (If she reads this or this is passed on to her,SHE IS NOT WORTH STALKING)  But I am old school,when your word is your bond,even though I fall short of that....If she is an independant woman and does not need a man,file the divorce papers and put me outta my misery....Or I can come back,not full of ego and help in any way possible.
God lead my way and guide my path.  Until later

The things that go through my mind

In so many ways,I want to live like the philosophy of Albert Einstein "I don't know what drives me hazy,Am I insane or is everyone else insane?  I just got finished watching comic greats like Robin Williams and Bernie Mac and I think the difference between them and I is they went to school to master there craft,there insanity...Hell, I have been dealing with behaviour like them,so I don't need to go to school to train,like them,I am insane,lol.
Man I wish I could get my own place,I need to move out and be on my own,I hate living with my Mom,she's great,but I need my own place to practice my insanity.  I must also admit each day that goes by and Kelly does not send me divorce papers,is another day of hope.
God be with me,let me be more consistant on my prayers,my rosary.

The things that go through my mind!!!

I wish I could practice that old saying "One day at a time"  Not me,I have so many things that I think about all the time.  whether it's about women,where do I want to live,where I want to grow old and retire,what woman would want to put up with me,I can now have some sympathy for what Kelly went through with me (Just a little bit).
I feel like I have a half a million balls in the air and I cannot drop any of them,that's how I feel right nowI wish right now I can put into words in what I am feeling...
Maybe I will have a better thing to write about later on.

Spiritual warfare....What I am going through

You know you are facing an attack from the Devil,when you get flashbacks and dreams and twitches in the body.  I heard a saying that goes like this, or maybe I am paraphrasing.  To face your demons,you must embrace a cactus and hold tight, I have no doubt that some of my demons are self inflicted,some we're thrust upon me and some have evolved we're they haunt me everyday, But I have the resource of prayer.
I like to think that the mixture of intelect,feelings and faith is like a "sweet science".  I have read and expirienced,life experience and prayed about with what I am going through, it like a science and it is sweet in knowing that not only can I help myself but other people,that is sweet.
I have set myself up to where one aspect of my life is acomplished,but I have many more to go.  Part of me wants to stay close to Mom,St. Joseph,Missouri,another part of me wants to move to the left coast and be close to my brother and whatever I acomplish here,I can leave it all behind me.  But,another part of me wants to move up north and finished what that brought me to St. Joseph.  I pray that each day that goes by is another day closer to reconciling with my wife,or one day closer to ending my marriage....Each day that goes by makes me think (And she has agreed to this,to paying for the divorce) and when she has not send me those papers,is a silent way that she wants me back...I don't know.  Thank God for the Rosary and prayer!!!

Today is a new day....I'm back

Once again folks I am back.  Things in my world have changed and I want to express it to the world.  I am ashamed that I have been away so long,I wish I was more consistant, but as I have learned, God is ever patient and loving for his lost children to come back.  Some people will think that faith is for losers,idiots and not all there in the head.  I may be poor and I am not the smartest person in the world and yes I do have a brain injury.  It will not stop me from telling my personal truth,truth that I pray everyday is inspired from God.
Life is very interesting in that I can wake up and not be screaming my head off,I mean the dreams that I have have haunted me for such a long time,that I think personally that there is an Evil One,some may call him the Devil or even the Malignant One.  I have a routine that helps me put the Evil one at bay and gets my mind right for the day,but later on today I did something that seperated from my Divine Master and His Mother.
I am gratefull that my mother has let me stay at her place till I get on my feet,I take things slowly,even when she's not home and I hate the fact that I don't have my own place,cause I don't do it her way,I am being lazy,or I just don't care and if anyone ever knows me that I would take any stress or anything onto myself,so they know that I am reliable and that I care.
I put on my facebook page or I should say that instead of being single that I am seperated from her.  I must admit that each day that goes by that she does not send me divorce papers,makes me think that she is waiting for me to get my life straight.  Truth be told as much as I can I paid for everything to sustain the household,all I ask is that if she is serious,that she can send me the divorce papers,but she hasn't.  I am not going to press it though,cause I still have some ways to go,before I get my life "In order".  But I hope that in time,with the proper people knowing about it,they will read not only this,but how my mind thinks,maybe they might admire it,be scared by it, or appreciative of it.  But beaware people,I am back!!!

Thinking about God

I guess I have come to the realization that what ever comes my way is God's way of talking to me.  I use to say, "Well,God says this in the Bible"  Instead, when I am in a situation and I learn something that I have not thought of or it reminds me of a situation of the past,I think,I believe God is trying to tell me something.  I think in my last blog,I think I said,that whatever manerism's that got me this far in life or habit's or way of thinking got me this far in life,I should have the right to be stubborn in my belief's that got me this far in life and even if some of my beliefs might need to change,I should have the right to take my time in adjusting.
God has sent me a wonderfull group of people to help me think, to challenge me in my beliefs,like my priest,like my mother, my counselers,my Dr's.  I had a situation last week that kept my faith in humanity and then within moments added more grey hair to me than ever before,I got selfish, thought all kinds of horrible thoughts about myself and my fellow man, but God has sent me a wonderfull priest and I can never thank him enough.
I also think sometime that when I get certain things in some point in time,I will need to move on!!!  I am now begining to believe that when I converted to the Catholic Church,that if I found something wrong with it,I will remain in it,to reform it instead of jumping around to different church's that reinforce my belief's.
Maybe that should be my way of thinking when I get to a certain point in life and I get certain things in life,I will need to move on,instead stay and fight to improve not only my situation,but other things that could help other people and there situation.
Untill next time.


                                                                   J.M.J

Destiny

I have a wonderfull priest who today directed ourselves to the Eucharist, the very Heart of Jesus without even saying "Eucharistic Adoration".  He talked about how Jesus was omce called Jesus of Nazareth or some other region in Isreal or Palestine, because each region had there own customs and traditions and Jesus would say to the leaders of each region (That I am paraphraising) You believe you have the monopoly of the Truth of God,but you don't, Jesus would say I know what God want's from man, (After all Jesus is the Son of God!!!!!) God want's man's Heart and who better to tell the world than his Son?
During my lifetime, people have tried to "regionlize me" By where I live or where I was born or where I have been.  Sometime's I have replied not in kind,I have even hurt people by "regionlize them".
I wan't to apoligize to everyone that I have hurt by diminishing them,in there own way,they to long for God,and where I believe that I can help them,I have helped pushed them away from God and His Son.  I am a man that bears the name of a man of whom I have never met,I have never seen his picture.  The man that I believe is my father, died young,he was murdered, he had his short coming's as did my mother.  I believe that over 20yrs ago that was one of the reasons why I converted the the Roman Catholic Church,not because I believe it's the true church,but what is more wonderfull than to have a spiritual leader that you call Father.  With my mother who has her own short coming's, who better that a Mother that has no short coming's and was even willing to give up her Son for Humanity's short coming's.  And with a Vicar that is Venerable Pope John Paul II.
It is my desire to be a true son of the Roman Catholic Church, Where I have been diminished,I want to raise people up to my Father in Heaven and to my Brother,My Divine Master Jesus Christ to a Mother that has no short coming's The Blessed Virgin Mother Mary and never diminished my brother or sister in faith and without faith and a different faith.  What ever I can do that is within my grasp and power, I will help.  Your brother James S. Graham



                                                            J.M.J.

Here go's nothing

I think I put on my facebook page that I have 2 b-days.  Of course my natural child birth of Dec 13th and the other one is Aug 29, 2005...Let's start there (By the way if my spelling is wrong,forgive me,it's not due to my condition...I wen't to public school,LOL)  After that day,things slowly changed,while I tried to be "normal" (Whatever that is?) I could not deny that I was begining to change to.  I had thought that by a certain age,people will be stubborn and not change any habits that got them this far in life, boy was I wrong!!!!
Due to contrary belief, when you have a head injury, things due change.  I thought that with my background in "emotional inteligence" that there would be little or no disruption in my life concerning myself and those around me,again I was wrong.  When I talk about "emotional inteligence", people think I am getting gushy with emotional crap,well I am not,due to contrary belief there is actual science,reason and logic behind emotional inteligence.
While I will not get into the history of my emotional inteligence, I am reminded of the Venerable Pope John Paul II in the Jubilee Year of 2000 that he asked for the world's fogivness in what baptised Catholic did to contribute to other people's suffering and indignity,they may have gotten forgivness from the Sacrament of Penance,they did not seek forgivness from those that they hurt.
In the coming day's,week's and month's and years ahead, I will try to remedy that...Asking forgivness from everyone that I hurt.  From what I have done and what I failed to do.



                                                             J.M.J

Open myself so much more!!!

While I got only 10min to write this down,before I go to lunch,when I get back I want to write down what I think and feel.  Most people know by now the inexsucable think I did in Omaha,but I wan't people to understand what it was like for me.  I am not here to place blame on anyone, if anything,I place blame on myself and to open up what it was like for me then, as well as now.  Folks,I want you to know that there is something very wrong with me,(But, I don't think it is as bad as people going postal!!! or as bad as that guy in Tucson).  I am opening myself up in hopes that for the people I have injured,you will forgive me.  I hope you folks will understand that because of my disability, (Now a Blessing) you will understand that I am not a bad person,but I am like everyone else who has sinned,but seeks forgiveness.  And how I turn my disability into a Blessing,and if you all will give me a chance,I can be a Blessing to you.  BRB

everywitch way but loose

Each day that go's bye I have to ask myself what is best for me and the people that I love and care for.  I am not going to lie,Kelly called me the other day concerning taxes from last year,and while I am glad that she got a hold of me,but I am so cynical about our "relationship".  Why now,telling me that she misses me, every so often that she loves me?  I have to admit women are stronger than man,cause I think they can withhold sex for as long as possible,but us men, flash a good looking ass and a delicious pussy, we become weak and it is hard to hold on to virtues.
I am reading,flipping thru 2 books one is called the blue zones and how I love the Sardianian Blue zone and the other book is Thomas Merton The Silent Life,it is as if God is setting before me my future life.

embracing my sanity

As I write this blog,I have music in the background,boy with this I even have a extra kick in my fingertips.  After I talked to Steve the other day, I have to admit, he is the only person that understands me, I am conflicted, I mean I am involved with my parish and the Knights of Columbus (That I co-founded many years ago), but I will be around Mom that has contributed to my current condition and I will just a couple of hours away from Kelly.
I only have a couple of minutes before the puter shuts off,I will try to get back to this 2morrow

Feeling good

I have to admit, I am feeling better today than I did yesterday, there is even a kick in my typing in this blog.  Given the fact that I can start doing things at my own pace and getting good info,I feel pretty good.  The only thing that I don't like right now is I am going to confession and to Mass at the Co-Cathederal with a weak priest, weather and getting up later through out the week has made me missed Mass and confession at St. James Catholic.  (No, I don't like because I bear the name of the Saint!!!).  I like it,because I have a history there.  I just wish I was able to get to Mass on Sunday @ 12:30 pm to attend the Latin Mass, long time ago I use to help serve the Mass there (When it was at 6:00am), they still got a good priest there name Fr. Totton,I like him,he seems like a good,wise soul.  I thank God, Jesus, Mary and Blessed St. Joseph for this great priest.
I don't know why I have this taste now for writing,but I like to thank God for this desire,It maybe due to some writing on Thomas Merton.  At one time in his journal he wanted to be, like I wanted to be a urban-hermit he was going to take a vow of voluntary poverty in Harlem New York, he decided against it,and chose to be a monk in Kentucky.  God Bless you Thomas Merton you have left a rich history of spiritual writing that society is better for it.  This blog will see me the next time on 2/7/11.  Thank you Jesus Mary and Joseph.

Cannot come soon enough

I am isolating myself so much more than usual, don't give a damn about TV anymore (Well some shows I enjoy), But I look foward to the day that I will be by myself.  As much as I love women (Mom and Kelly),there is a part of me say that I will be by myself for the rest of my days.  I am realizing that I am looking at woman as something else, like sperm banks than a gift from God.  Women have let me down so much that I can see why I view them as sperm banks than as gifts from God.  There are sins that I commit that the only woman that I do not want to let down is the Blessed Virgin Mary, I can chalk it up to my condition of why I do what I do,but I am afraid that is not good enough.
I want my disabilty to kick in ASAP, so I can prove to myself and other people that I can handle this, I want to prove wrong Kelly and Mom as well as other doubter's.  I am going to write more often here in my blog than I have done in the past.  Mom listens whenever I gripe and I will always see my Dr's,but I do need to find some support groups, like PTSD support groups for theraputic reasons and to get out of the house.